I’m 80.

 

It has nothing to do with the 80’s, I kind of strongly dislike the 80’s. I think the 80’s ruined colorful, there was just too much of everything. I don’t like 80’s music either (especially the keyboards).

It is not like I am 80 years old. Sometimes I feel old, like an old soul that wants to get married with her first boyfriend, doesn’t like hanging out in the movies because she prefers to talk, and sometimes has an old taste to fashion too.

In Brazil we have an expression that says that someone is “8 or 80”; it means that someone goes from one extreme to the other, someone who is exaggerated. I am that 80, I am exaggerated. I love intensity. You may have noticed that: I prefer exciting songs, I skateboard, I think too much, I am constantly idealizing things. When I like some kind of food, I eat it every day until I find something else.

I will even attribute feelings to objects, such as if I use one backpack more than the other, the latter would be sad about it. Crazy, huh? Well, I kind am. And I am okay with that. I remember Tim Burton’s Alice movie: the best people are mad.

And the fact that I am 80 is one of the things that I like most about myself; it is one of the best parts. But it is also one of the hard parts. Because I put too much thought into everything, because I value too much the things that don’t really need that much attention (things like having good grades, having people liking the blog, always enjoying things). It shows off a little of my pride. I need to remind myself that not every day is a 9 day [if you didn’t yet, read the “how are you” post], that it is okay having normal days, and bad days, even. I need to remind myself that I will do things wrong, that I won’t deeply connect with every person I know.

If I start playing the guitar I will play it every day (for some time). And if I like like someone I will feed the feeling, even if someone doesn’t like me back, or even if someone and I clearly don’t have a future together. I can’t help to make the feeling grow; I love to be in love, I like to like. I will think of someone too often, I will write to and about someone, I will listen to someone’s favorite songs and all the songs that make me think of and remember someone. And that’s stupid and crazy, because someone is not my someone. It would be okay giving myself up to this feeling, if this feeling would lead me somewhere, if the feeling would lead to an us. But it won’t.

But I am 80. I will think about it too much, I will listen to all the songs, I will write about it. I will smile, I will miss someone. I will even suffer, and I will suffer at an 80 level. And I will be 80 mad with myself because I know that it is not rational. Also, I might 80 pretend nothing is happening, and try to be 80 happy and 80 occupied in order to not be 80 sad or depressed. I 80 enjoy being 80 distracted by someone, but it is not healthy. It seems like I am 80 confused and confusing too.